


Introductory Gluteal Resuscitation Techniques

by Nevros



Category: Community (TV)
Genre: Crack, Drug Use, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-10
Updated: 2014-04-10
Packaged: 2018-01-18 22:24:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1445017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nevros/pseuds/Nevros
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Annie is testing a new drug for Futuraza.  Jeff's life is on the line, and due to some mysterious side-effects, Annie must save him in an... unconventional way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Introductory Gluteal Resuscitation Techniques

**Author's Note:**

> So my friend gave me this idea, and jokingly suggested that I write a Jeff/Annie fic about it. So of course I had to do it. And that is the story of how the most insane Community fanfic in all of history came to be.

It was a strangely beautiful day at Greendale for Annie. The sun was out, the birds were chirping, the air felt electric, and the faint sound of Chang screaming in terror could be heard from the vents.

She was on her way to the study room for the Save Greendale Committee meeting, feeling much more relaxed than she usually did. When she got to the study room, she shocked herself on the metal door handle, but she refused to let it phase her. However, when she entered the room something felt... different. Jeff, Britta, Duncan, Hickey, Abed, and Shirley were all staring at her from their seats, their expressions ranging from curious to worried. 

"Hi everyone!", she exclaims as she practically skipped to her seat.

Jeff stares at her quizzically for a moment before responding "You seem unusually giddy today."

"And unusually late" Hickey adds.

"Annie..." Shirley starts in her motherly voice, "Is there something you would like to share with us? Something that the good lord would not approve of?"

Annie looked around the table at everyone's concerned faces, baffled, trying to figure out why everyone was acting so strangely.

"What do you mean? I feel fine! Great actually! I started testing a new drug for Futuraza. It's supposed to help cure stress, depression, anxiety, and several strains of Ebola."

She could see everyone at the table tense up, except for Professor Hickey, who didn't understand why this was a big deal.

"And there's the plot twist." Abed remarks.

Jeff looked particularly shocked. He leaned forward, looking toward Annie, his hands on the table and his brow creased in concern. 

"Annie, you know taking pills is not a good idea for you."

Annie laughed giddily at his comment, which only weirded out the group even more. "Pshh Jeff, don't be so uptight! Testing this drug is helping to get me on my Boss's good side. Plus he said it's not addictive... he thinks.”

Jeff's jaw dropped. "I'm uptight?!" You're the one that told me, 'Showing Planet Earth is not a valid way to teach law students.' If we can't appreciate the beauty of the Earth, how can we ever have respect for what goes on in a courtroom? Tell me that, Annie." He ranted.

"Nice try, but that still doesn't count as a curriculum for a Law class." Annie reached across the table and swatted his hand jokingly.

Jeff lurched back in his seat, yelping as he pulled his hand back. "What the hell was that?! I feel like I just stuck my finger in an electrical socket!"

"It's called static electricity, Jeff," Annie responded. "Don't be such a baby!"

Jeff was about make a witty comeback when Shirley cut him off.

"We're just worried about you Annie. Your pupils are huge, your hair makes you look like some mad, devil-worshiping scientist, and your smile is just downright creepy. I thought Britta got you hooked on marijuana for heaven's sake!"

"She's right.", Abed said. "With some makeup, you would make a good Harley Quinn. Actually no, you're closer to the electricity-wielding super-villain, Livewire."

Annie tried to lessen the intensity of her smile, with little success. 

"Guys, I swear I'm fine. I'm not going to become Annie Adderall again. I can handle myself.

"That's right!", Britta exclaimed. "She is more than capable of staying clean. Shame on all of you for judging her based on her past!", she yelled as she pointed accusingly at each member of the group, giving a particularly pointed look to Shirley.

There was a silence in the room, except for a faint screeching sound that the group ignored. Everyone shifted uncomfortably in their seats.

Jeff, whose hair stood straight up, sighed. "We're not saying we don't believe in you Annie. You're strong, determined, and you can get through anything that you set your mind to. This committee would get nothing done, and Greendale would be even more of a dump if it weren't for you. So we know you can handle yourself just fine. We just want to look out for you."

Annie looked at Jeff, her smile turning into something almost real and not completely creepy, and they proceeded to make googly eyes at each another.

"Oh Jesus" and "Get a room" were heard from Shirley and Hickey respectively, as they rolled their eyes in unison.

The moment was broken by an ear-piercing bang, coming from the street outside. After a few moments of shock, the group ran out to see what had happened.

As they ran out onto the steps of the library, they could see a charred Chang running like a madman away from the building, crossing the street. “I surrender! No more! I give up, YOU WIN!” He screamed hysterically.

"Why is he covered in ash, and what the hell is he running from?" Hickey asked, incredulously as the group just stared blankly as Chang climbed into his car.

As if answering his question, a high-pitched screeching sound was heard coming from the library itself, growing louder and louder. Upon looking around, Jeff found the source, an open duct on the side of the building. And beside it stood Annie's Boobs, the monkey, bottle rocket in hand and that creepy smile on it's face.

Before he could say anything, the show began. Fireworks of all shapes and sizes shot out of the vent, leaving trails of sparks and screeching across the street. Then they exploded, nearly blinding the group with thousands of lights and deafening them with what sounded like a hundred bombs going off at once.

About a minute later, everyone was disoriented, sprawled across the library steps, wondering what the hell just happened. Annie was the first to get back on her feet, still creepily excited. "What the hell is in those meds?", Jeff asked to no one as he slowly pulled himself up from where he fell at the bottom of  
stairs. But Annie had spotted the still-firing remains of the fireworks and started running towards them, entranced by the lights and high as a kite. 

Annie was too hyped up to be aware of her surroundings as she ran past Jeff. But he saw it coming.

A car speeding down the road, on a direct collision-course with Annie. He heard the brakes screech as it tried to stop, but it was too late. So he did the only thing he could think to do, even if it was straight out of every cheesy rom-com ever made. He lunged forward, grabbing Annie by the arm, and pulling her backwards, back onto the sidewalk, but leaving him stranded in the middle of the road.

The rest of the group heard a skid, crash, and then the thud of Jeff hitting the pavement.

Now on their feet again, Annie, Abed, Shirley, Britta, Hickey, and Duncan stood on the stairs of the library, frozen in fear, staring at Jeff's limp body laying in the middle of the street. Chang exited the car, saw Jeff, and turned to the group. “You can't prove anything.” Then he ran off.

"Jeff!" Annie screamed as she ran to his side and knelt down, tears beginning to pool in her eyes.

"Jeff! Come on, wake up! Wake up!", She said frantically as the others gathered around him.

While everyone was freaking out, Abed, who was standing back, noticed a strange phenomenon happening in an even stranger place. His eye caught a spark shoot along Annie's pants. Specifically her backside, going from one butt-cheek to the other.

He was utterly... shocked by this sight. But due to his extensive comic book knowledge, it only took him a few seconds to figure out what was going on. 

"Annie!" he yelled as she turned to face him, tears streaming down her face. "I get it now, You're the DC comic super-villain, Livewire! You have the ability to channel electric currents through your body on command. Well it's a lot more complicated than that because-"

Annie cut him off. "What are you talking about?"

Abed decided to get right to the point. "Your medication has a side effect that makes your butt electrically charged! You need to use it as a defibrillator to revive Jeff!"

Suddenly everything made sense to Annie: all the static electricity, shocking Jeff, her hair frizzing to hell. It was all because her meds gave her electric powers. She knew what she had to do. With a look of fierce determination, she stood up and placed herself over Jeff's torso, with one foot on either side of him.

Everyone else looked at her like she was crazy, which is insane because Abed's plan made perfect sense. She then squatted down, her butt directly over Jeff's torso. Then, with a shout that echoed throughout the entire universe, she yelled "CLEAR" and and slammed her buttocks onto Jeff, left cheek to left pec, right cheek to right pec. As soon as they connected, hundreds of volts of electricity ran through Jeff's body. His muscles contracted and flung all over the pavement. Sparked flew across the entire street. Then, with a gasp for air, Jeff opened his eyes.

He was greeted by cheers, hysterical sobbing, and a "Thank the lord!" But most noticeably, he awoke to Annie's plump ass seated upon his chest. He was disoriented and all kinds of sore, but he didn't think he was in a position to complain.

"Maybe I should get hit by a car more often."

Annie's face went bright red and she bolted upright, stepping away from Jeff. "Don't get any funny ideas. I did what I had to." She tried to sound confident, but she was too busy stumbling over both her words and Jeff.

"Hey, I could take you to court Milady. I don't know what happened, but I'm pretty sure I can't consent to anything while I'm unconscious" he said with a devious grin as he stood up.

Annie looked like she was about to burst from embarrassment and indignation.

Shirley smacked him lightly. "Jeffery! She saved you! Even if she did use some sort of satanic ass magic, you still owe her your life!"

Jeff sighed. "Fine, fine. Thank you Annie. I'll be sure to credit you when I win the Nobel Prize for being awesome." Even though he was still making smart-ass remarks, his tone softened to include a hint of actual gratitude. He put his hand on Annie's shoulder to turn her around and pull her into a hug. She gave up resisting after a few moments and returned the embrace.

It took them a little too long to realize that they had been hugging for a longer time than normal and were starting to get weird looks from the group. They briskly pulled away from each other and took a few steps back.

Annie turned around and began to walk back towards the library.

"I really need to stop taking those pills."


End file.
